Sometimes, we may liken our dance floor experiences with sitcoms, romantic dramas, or flat out horror movies. Here’s a list of 9 behaviors or dancers who fully support that the dance floor is, in fact, a movie.

1. The Devil Who Wears Prada Dance Shoes

Approach... if you dare

Approach… if you dare

They stand there, decked out in their sweet dance clothes and their slick new dance shoes, surveying the room of dancers.  Their vision is honed on the best of the best, ignoring all the mere peasants around them. But, one of those petty, Wal-Mart shoppers ventures forth to ask for a dance…

Well, in the real world, looking like they swallowed a particularly nasty insect during that dance only serves to make them look like a really boring, distasteful dance partner. Seriously: most people can’t tell from watching a basic step that their technique is crazy good. I’m just going to think they have the personality of wet cardboard, or possibly a lego piece waiting to be stepped on.

In the end, if they really don’t want to dance, they should just say “no” in the first place, rather than making their partner feel like a charity case. Really, the only people I’ve observed that can (successfully) get away with this behavior are dancers whose reputation makes the overwhelming intimidation seem glamorous.

2. Han Dancing Solo

They’re hot, they’re sexy. You ask them to dance, and they saunter out to the dance floor with you. And suddenly… you disappear.  No, seriously, it’s as if you don’t exist in their sphere of dance-existence. They parade all their fancy solo moves (or, if you’re lucky, maintain physical contact while they show off – never actually connecting to you). You can chase them across the dance floor like Boba Fett chasing Han Solo across a galaxy, but it ain’t gonna work.

It’s also usually 50/50 whether their Solo Style will look “cool” or like they are having a ‘slight weapons malfunction’.

This Han Solo is certainly not having a weapons malfunction!

This Han Solo is certainly not having a weapons malfunction!

3. The Socially-Dummy Mummy

Like the evil spirit of The Mummy, it is impossible to escape the plagues inflicted by this dancer. Devoid of a conscious understanding of their shortcomings, they inflict a number of plagues upon their partner.

Get back! she exclaims. That breath may be well over 2000 years rank.

Get back! she exclaims. That breath may be well over 2000 years rank.

The 3 Mummy Plagues:

  1. The Reek of Death (B.O. should remain flushed down the drain.)
  2. The Slippery Slope (Ew, slimy! Please change your shirt)
  3.  The Oral Terror (Oh, my, goodness… their breath could wilt a crop harvest)

4. Casa NOva

He/she takes you to the floor, and begins to dance. Things are going well; it’s a smooth song and you’re enjoying yourself. Suddenly, you find yourself closer to him/her. And closer. And closer. And… contact. Yup, that was definitely a hand. What seems as a sultry romantic gesture to the Casa NOva isn’t too impressive to you or your significant other on the side of the dance floor.

Ok, maybe I wouldn't mind THIS Casanova...

Ok, maybe I wouldn’t mind THIS Casanova…

You later find a request on Facebook. You add them as a friend. They begin commenting on all your photos, and slowly attempt to virtually persuade you towards romantic inclinations. The brave will utter the Casa NOva’s least favourite word: ‘No’. More gentle victims will attempt to weather the romantic storm until it passes.

5. Legally Blonde but Somehow Dancing

They’re a beginner… so how can they actually follow or lead? It’s as if a dance god decided to simply bestow magical look-good move-well pixie dust on them from Day 1. No one is quite sure how, but they just kind of… do it. ‘Double spin? Oh, like this? Cool!’ they cry, with near-perfect natural balance and poise. And, of course, they have a vivacious and sweet personality with no trace of stuck-up diva dancer attitude problems, because they simply haven’t been around long enough to let it develop.

Who could ever hate Ms. Elle Woods?

Who could ever hate Ms. Elle Woods?

Meanwhile, all of the dancers who have spent years struggling with classes and congresses shake their heads in awe and envy, while the Legally Blonde but Somehow Dancing waltzes through.

6. The Jackie Chan 

Like Jackie Chan, this dancer creates their own signature moves, and cannot be confined to one movie  dance style.

You can't touch this.

You can’t touch this.

They may have started in Salsa, but now the Salsa is in their West Coast, which is in their Tango which is in their Lindy Hop, etc. It all works, but no one is quite sure what style it is they are actually dancing. But, it looks freakin’ awesome and no one can replicate any of the stuff they do.  Of course, on the flip side, no matter what dance they do, it all kind of looks the same eventually.

7. High School Musical’s Backup Star

They know every word. Every. Single. Word… and they will sing it, in your ear, while you’re dancing. The chance of them being in tune? Odds are 100:1.

I just wanna dance...

I just wanna dance…

8. The Social Networker

There’s a high chance that your dance with this individual will be frequently punctuated by saying Hello to one of the  5,000,000 other people they know. Seriously – how do they know all these people? BY NAME?!

Expect to see a lot of this beside the dance floor

Expect to see a lot of this beside the dance floor

Then you figure it out. If you watch them for an evening, you notice that only half their time is spent dancing. The other half is spent talking to whomever they last danced with, learning all the details of their life.

9. Anger Management’s Outpatient

Watching them dance is like watching a mix between UFC and particularly violent gymnastics. If they are a lead, the follow hangs on for dear life. If she’s lucky, she’ll survive. Every dip looks less like it should be accompanied by a break in the music, and more like a soundtrack exclaiming “Die! Die! Die!” could be playing in the background.

Are they dancing, or...?

Are they dancing, or…?

If it is a follow, a look of realization dawns on the lead’s face as he realizes that he has inadvertently taken control of a possessed ripoff Ferrari who decides the Amalfi Coast highway is a good idea for a racetrack. The dance becomes 1/2 hold on for dear life, 1/2 ensure she doesn’t throw herself off a cliff into the ocean (or,  rather, dips herself onto the floor). Of course, if anything does go wrong, good luck. You’re the lead, so you’ll likely be blamed.